Change

Change is good....at least for me. Right now. Change is good. Very good.

Dictionary-
Change: Make or become different: "a proposal to change the law"; "beginning to change from green to gold". 

     I was so uplifted, rejuvenated, and my testimony was made stronger from this past weekend watching and listening to all sessions of LDS General Conference. I haven't watched all sessions in a while. There I said it. Something always came up and I'd miss Saturdays. But Saturdays talks, were some of my favorites. It is much different listening than just reading the talk when it comes out in the Ensign. So glad I listened. Me and my kids were sick with the.....runs. Yeah. So we were home bound. Actually toilet bound. But this kept us where we needed to be all weekend. Maybe where I needed to be the most. (Sadly, the hubby had to work).The boys were running around the house playing for most of it. I stayed in my room. Watching from my laptop. Letting the house become a mess with toys EVERYWHERE. But I didn't let it bother me. That much. ;)
     I haven't cried this much watching conference in a while. You know how "they say" that there's always a talk specifically meant for you if you are prepared to hear it and gain from it? Well, that happened this weekend. Although it wasn't just one talk. There were many! I am just sad I didn't take notes now. Bummer. But I guess my journaling counts...
     I have a new outlook on different areas of my life. And a new focus.

1. Me as a mom and how I'm raising my kids. Lately I've been feeling like I MUST be doing something wrong. I talk. No one listens. How I yell way too much and how I've already been minimizing that. I'm also asking more questions to my kids about everything. I'm taking more time to play with them. To get on the floor and spend hours making all kinds of "cool" train tracks. (As Teigen says) They love it. I notice when I do, they want to help and listen better. It's come to my attention that I won't always have time to do these things with them and they won't always be this age. Thank goodness we don't have them in any sports yet. That day will come but it doesn't need to be now. I don't want to send their Mommy time right out the door.

2. "I'm a Mormon. I know it. I live it. I love it." That's right I am. We have many nonmember friends and they know we're mormon. They know we're different. They know we're happy almost all the time. I wasn't as outspoken before as far as my beliefs into detail. But now, I feel like I could talk to anyone about it. I want people to know. I want people to have the gospel in their lives. I want everyone to hear it and know it and love it like I do. I believe everything about this gospel inside and out. Why question something that makes me so happy? My testimony has been strengthened so much. I needed that boost this weekend. I've felt like a blob lately. Contributing zero to society. I want to do more. I NEED to do more.

3. "Let it go!" I'm harder on myself than the Lord will be. I'm sure of it. I hang onto everything I've done in my life that wasn't up to par. I have a hard time forgiving myself. I'm trying. I really am. I don't give myself enough credit. Ever. This is something that will take a while to fix. But I'm ready to try. I know who enjoys me feeling down on myself all the time...and I do NOT want to please Satan. So this is a major priority. One that might take a little extra help from those who specialize in this. And that's ok! I finally got the memo that I'm not super mom and it's ok to ask for help.

4. I have a disease. I hide it. Not a lot of people know about it. And that's wrong. I can help people with my story. I'm in the "running" to have my "story" nationally published. Since the CCFA told me this a month ago, I realized I need to do more. I'm currently working on creating a blog dedicated to life with Crohn's. There aren't a ton of blogs out there about it. I want to tell people how it is. The story that is not told. How it REALLY is. How I really feel. How it hurts. Everyday. But I don't tell people that. Who wants to hear bad news? Right? But those who want to hear the good bad and ugly will listen. And hopefully I'll help them.

So here's to more writing. More journaling.
Goodnight.